Compassion, Stewardship and Darkness

God spoke the words compassion and stewardship into my life this morning at EMP. He spoke to me about zeal without his knowledge, apart from his will -- that is bad. I realize I have stumbled badly, even in this fast, when I spit fire without the Lord's flame on me.

My character was tested in several ways yesterday. In the most memorable instance, I met my former colleagues for lunch. One woman has changed. She has become even more confused in her heart. (Maybe how a colleague has treated her unjustly has affected her.) She could speak neither Cantonese nor English. She spoke that strange, capricious mixture of both. She was a reed swaying desultorily in the wind of life. No greater vision, purpose or meaning in her language. I had a difficult time speaking with her since I only speak Cantonese, or English, and not both at the same time. Ultimately, I chose to lay my English on her.

Her beliefs also challenged me. At a point in our conversation, like my friend earlier that week had done, she said to our mutual friend that my Cantonese was not very good. I jumped on that and told her not to say that discouraging word again. I speak Cantonese well. I told her that I would score well on the Cantonese IELTS if there were one. She neither knew me nor the nine years of my learning Cantonese in Hong Kong. In addition, I told her that she spoke English well. She did not believe me, unfortunately, and said hers was poor -- oh, the irony of her speaking only English to me and not permitting us to converse in Cantonese, which she permitted between our friend and her. For her troubles I changed my words and confirmed what she said: she did not speak English well. I played into the hand of the enemy and withdrew my encouragement and support.

I forgive her. And I forgive myself. It is OK for me not to be around her anymore. We were friends in a different season of life.

Ultimately, I voiced my discomfort in speaking with her, and I reminded them of the better meetings before this one. She said she was sorry for making me feel this way, but I knew she, like M earlier in the week, did not realize the extent to which those scourges -- discouragement and achievement -- have influenced her life. I hate those scourges, and I cry for God to stir up compassion in me to heal the afflicted. Break my heart for what breaks yours, Father. In my frank sharing with these people these days, I feel that I am just breaking hearts now.

These encounters are stressful and exhausting. They stir up the deep in my heart.

I just sensed the fear of being misunderstood in this woman, my friend L from last week, and all the people who speak that incomprehensible language of English and Cantonese. These people feel they can neither be loved nor understood. Creating a new, narrow language is their coping mechanism in the same way that in America, obesity is a coping mechanism. People under these lies further marginalize themselves by creating a spoken language that even fewer people can understand. In contrast, people speak a common language so more people can understand them. Likewise, not speaking at all has the same effect as creating a new, narrow language. Not giving an interlocutor a choice because of fear that the interlocutor would not understand otherwise is a symptom of the same lie -- indeed, this selfish behavior does not consider the interlocutor's ability and skills to make meaning. People who live without this lie can speak a language plainly, clearly and be confident that the interlocutor can respond in an appropriate way if the interlocutor does not understand.

Anyway, I need lay down and humble myself all the more. I do not have the answers. I am not righteous apart from God. And I am not much of a judge when these standards are applied to my own heart and actions. May God lead me in stewarding well the mind and heart he has given me. May these be soft to receive and to provide love in a way that people can understand.

More Visions

God reminded me of his part in my decision making. He imparted his wisdom to me. Decisions are no until God says clearly yes. And I pursue righteousness not by works but by faith.

I was running the race in my lane. Fog covered the lane, the entire track, in fact.

Do not sell yourself short in a work. I am worth much more than that. You hunger for something more. For "Jacob I loved but Esau I hated."

What happened yesterday was matter of trust. I have trouble trusting God about his preparing me and my spouse to be together. And then I realize that I have an even more difficult time trusting that God is preparing me to be a super husband and father!

As I was walking down the hill this afternoon, I realized I do not know how to love people in a way they can understand. That was a humbling revelation. I wanted to cry.

God then spoke to me. He gave me the word, renewal.  I am entering into a season of renewal. My mind is being renewed to be like that of Christ. My heart is being softened. Compassion and stewardship are returning to my life. Praise God.

In sum, a lot of breakthrough during this fast. God moved the prophetic spirit in me by visions and words of knowledge. People were blessed and encouraged. The first two weeks were a smooth, connecting flight with my father. The last week was rough. I was difficult, and placed my desires ahead of my relationship with God. (I realize now how much pleasure I get from these things.) Yet, I am being renewed. Praise God. 

Finally, one vision after the fast: I have mulled over "pulling the trigger" in my relationships with girls so that, at last, I will select one. As I was walking down the hill (I am always walking down hills, aren't I?) I saw my hands clasped on a revolver, my finger on the trigger. And then I saw Jesus behind me, his arms stretched beside mine, his hands holding mine, his finger on this trigger. I only need to let the Lord help me to aim, and to pull the trigger. He will help me to select. I can trust him that with him, my aim will be true and straight. I will select the right girl for this season in my life.

Mizuno Fat Choy Run 2012

I woke up this morning feeling as if I prefered a warm bed to a cold run. I was unexpectedly tired, and cold too. I checked the temperature: 45 degrees. That was an unfamiliar, extremely cold temperature, and it reinforced my fatigue. I did not know how my body would hold up in this weather. So srew the homefield advantage, I mumbled to myself, I am going back to bed. Into bed I climbed. Thankfully, however, no sooner did I do this than the ease of participating in this event weighed all the more heavily in my mind. I knew the route, and the distance to the venue was short. In spite of my grogginess, couldn't I just treat the race as a tempo run? I hopped out of bed.

I drank fast a cold can of Nestea coffee. I then began the slow ascent to the Peak. At 3.5 kilometers, this would I would be to a race venue all year. But my warmup to get there would be the hardest. I wondered if I would have anything left in the tank after running uphill for 3.5 kilometers. At least I knew I wouldn't be freezing after such a warmup!

At the Peak, I quickly got my kit and headed into the mall to change. As always, my body wanted to drop all its deuces and thankfully, God provided yet another clean, mall toilet for me to do so. That was good -- although I wonder how my body will react, and how God will supply when I have to run a half-marathon in the early morning in a week and a half. Please no poop!

Since the weather was so fierce, the crush at the line only began ten minutes before the start. My knees were shaking. I felt the chill in the air and in the wind. The people beside me helped only to a degree, maybe one or two degrees Fahrenheit. I longed for the gun to go off.

In spite of the wet road and cold temperatures, this race was fast because of the pacemakers. For the first half of the race, I followed two familiar faces: the Postman and Choi Tat Ming. Later, I followed a CSD officer who had surpassed the Postman's pace. I followed this man through the narrow undulations on Lugard Road. He tired at first on the final hill. I saw my chance and sprinted by him. However, I grew complacent in my charge and did not complete it to the finish line. (Perhaps I would have had I both knew precisely where the line was and turned my head to check on the CSD officer.) When I let up slightly, 20 meters from the finish, although I had such strength to persevere, the CSD officer passed me. He beat me by one second. That was an embarrassing gaffe on my part. Nonetheless I shook his hand and congratulated him on being an even more strategic runner than I. He deserved to beat me.

Nonetheless, I was carried to a PB. I ran 26:42, 12th overall and 5th in my group. This was better than my 27:49 in 2009, when I came in 10th overall and 5th in my group. I ran with sub-36 speed today. Maybe one day I'll have an opportunity to run, officially, a sub 36-10K. At this point, I feel running a sub-81 half-marathon is likely and a sub-80 is, in fact, within reach!

I went home immediately after the race. With the wind in my knees, I felt weak. I couldn't wait to sit in my shower and soak in the hot water. 

Visions

During this fast, I received many visions. The visions are for me and for others. Here are but a few that God has given for me in particular:

I am sitting before the king on his mercy seat. He breathes on me. I see the white wisps of his breath envelop me and enter me. His breath is like a fog covering me inside and out. He breathes life into me.

I was a jar of clay, a clay pot. I was an empty vessel to be filled by God's spirit. God filled me up. And then I was poured out like a drink offering. I was a living sacrifice. The spirit was being poured out from me over the people for whom I pray these days. I was poured out over and over, but I never ran out of the spirit. Praise God.

I was in the deep, black waters with Jesus in a boat. I saw an image of my family to come, and then a little farther off an image of my family with grandchildren and then farther off, with great grandchildren and even farther off, more generations which I will observe from heaven at those times. God by His Spirit implored me to look further ahead.

Excerpts from Letters

I've been sharing with my brother a lot. I realize there are a lot of important experiences being shared. Here are  few that I raided from those letters:

Although my younger brother and I are closer now than we have ever been before, my being open with him is still hard not least because he isn't a believer and some sticking points in his heart are still obstructing our deepening relationship. My paying back my loans from Notre Dame has been a sore point for him. It's hard to explain why. I suspect there is a degree of self-righteousness since he became the lone signer for his student loans and believes I should do the same and not let my mom be a co-signer. My brother has been pretty obsessed about this and this bespeaks some serious hurt and hardness in his heart. Please pray that when I talk to him, I can share God's grace with him and be patient with him and his weak points that God is healing.

My church may be starting a men's group. I'm in touch with the head pastor and the men's fellowship leader to discuss some ideas of what the men's group will be about. I invited the men's fellowship leader to the men's group I attend at another church. Praise God. This is good!

I called my friend in Korea yesterday evening and expressed my desire to start a (long-distance) relationship with her. She said no -- she is engaged and set to be married this year! She wants to remain friends.  

This has happened to me before, which made the disappointment hurt: two years ago, the girl I liked ended up already having a child out of wedlock, at 23 years old! I wondered and cried out to God about why I fall for girls who can't drop a clue as to their relationship status. 

Praise God that I am different now. I have definitely changed for the better from two years ago, and definitely from a year ago when I was desperately trying to pry myself away from a girl who fed my emotional needs. 

Regardless, I was still upset and disappointed. This morning at early morning prayer, I cried a lot. I couldn't make sense of why this had to be this way. I thought I had followed the Lord, only to receive this.  It was hard for me to let go of the negative outcome and to focus on the beauty of the process. It was hard to let go of my desire, and my lack of trust stemming from this episode and to see what God saw in this episode.  

Praise God for He is faithful. God spoke to me several times over the past 15 hours. In bed, last night, he told me the next time would be a "yes." This morning on the way to early morning prayer, he told me how proud he was of my stepping out in faith in this way; that he celebrated the process in heaven and not this momentary outcome. And during prayer time this morning God showed me an image. I was in the deep, black waters with Jesus in a boat. I saw an image of my family to come, and then a little farther off an image of my family with grandchildren and then farther off, with great grandchildren and even farther off, more generations which I will observe from heaven at those times. God by His Spirit implored me to look further ahead. I'm finally starting to look ahead, and to keep my eyes open in the present too.