Compassion, Stewardship and Darkness

God spoke the words compassion and stewardship into my life this morning at EMP. He spoke to me about zeal without his knowledge, apart from his will -- that is bad. I realize I have stumbled badly, even in this fast, when I spit fire without the Lord's flame on me.

My character was tested in several ways yesterday. In the most memorable instance, I met my former colleagues for lunch. One woman has changed. She has become even more confused in her heart. (Maybe how a colleague has treated her unjustly has affected her.) She could speak neither Cantonese nor English. She spoke that strange, capricious mixture of both. She was a reed swaying desultorily in the wind of life. No greater vision, purpose or meaning in her language. I had a difficult time speaking with her since I only speak Cantonese, or English, and not both at the same time. Ultimately, I chose to lay my English on her.

Her beliefs also challenged me. At a point in our conversation, like my friend earlier that week had done, she said to our mutual friend that my Cantonese was not very good. I jumped on that and told her not to say that discouraging word again. I speak Cantonese well. I told her that I would score well on the Cantonese IELTS if there were one. She neither knew me nor the nine years of my learning Cantonese in Hong Kong. In addition, I told her that she spoke English well. She did not believe me, unfortunately, and said hers was poor -- oh, the irony of her speaking only English to me and not permitting us to converse in Cantonese, which she permitted between our friend and her. For her troubles I changed my words and confirmed what she said: she did not speak English well. I played into the hand of the enemy and withdrew my encouragement and support.

I forgive her. And I forgive myself. It is OK for me not to be around her anymore. We were friends in a different season of life.

Ultimately, I voiced my discomfort in speaking with her, and I reminded them of the better meetings before this one. She said she was sorry for making me feel this way, but I knew she, like M earlier in the week, did not realize the extent to which those scourges -- discouragement and achievement -- have influenced her life. I hate those scourges, and I cry for God to stir up compassion in me to heal the afflicted. Break my heart for what breaks yours, Father. In my frank sharing with these people these days, I feel that I am just breaking hearts now.

These encounters are stressful and exhausting. They stir up the deep in my heart.

I just sensed the fear of being misunderstood in this woman, my friend L from last week, and all the people who speak that incomprehensible language of English and Cantonese. These people feel they can neither be loved nor understood. Creating a new, narrow language is their coping mechanism in the same way that in America, obesity is a coping mechanism. People under these lies further marginalize themselves by creating a spoken language that even fewer people can understand. In contrast, people speak a common language so more people can understand them. Likewise, not speaking at all has the same effect as creating a new, narrow language. Not giving an interlocutor a choice because of fear that the interlocutor would not understand otherwise is a symptom of the same lie -- indeed, this selfish behavior does not consider the interlocutor's ability and skills to make meaning. People who live without this lie can speak a language plainly, clearly and be confident that the interlocutor can respond in an appropriate way if the interlocutor does not understand.

Anyway, I need lay down and humble myself all the more. I do not have the answers. I am not righteous apart from God. And I am not much of a judge when these standards are applied to my own heart and actions. May God lead me in stewarding well the mind and heart he has given me. May these be soft to receive and to provide love in a way that people can understand.