Excerpts from Letters

I've been sharing with my brother a lot. I realize there are a lot of important experiences being shared. Here are  few that I raided from those letters:

Although my younger brother and I are closer now than we have ever been before, my being open with him is still hard not least because he isn't a believer and some sticking points in his heart are still obstructing our deepening relationship. My paying back my loans from Notre Dame has been a sore point for him. It's hard to explain why. I suspect there is a degree of self-righteousness since he became the lone signer for his student loans and believes I should do the same and not let my mom be a co-signer. My brother has been pretty obsessed about this and this bespeaks some serious hurt and hardness in his heart. Please pray that when I talk to him, I can share God's grace with him and be patient with him and his weak points that God is healing.

My church may be starting a men's group. I'm in touch with the head pastor and the men's fellowship leader to discuss some ideas of what the men's group will be about. I invited the men's fellowship leader to the men's group I attend at another church. Praise God. This is good!

I called my friend in Korea yesterday evening and expressed my desire to start a (long-distance) relationship with her. She said no -- she is engaged and set to be married this year! She wants to remain friends.  

This has happened to me before, which made the disappointment hurt: two years ago, the girl I liked ended up already having a child out of wedlock, at 23 years old! I wondered and cried out to God about why I fall for girls who can't drop a clue as to their relationship status. 

Praise God that I am different now. I have definitely changed for the better from two years ago, and definitely from a year ago when I was desperately trying to pry myself away from a girl who fed my emotional needs. 

Regardless, I was still upset and disappointed. This morning at early morning prayer, I cried a lot. I couldn't make sense of why this had to be this way. I thought I had followed the Lord, only to receive this.  It was hard for me to let go of the negative outcome and to focus on the beauty of the process. It was hard to let go of my desire, and my lack of trust stemming from this episode and to see what God saw in this episode.  

Praise God for He is faithful. God spoke to me several times over the past 15 hours. In bed, last night, he told me the next time would be a "yes." This morning on the way to early morning prayer, he told me how proud he was of my stepping out in faith in this way; that he celebrated the process in heaven and not this momentary outcome. And during prayer time this morning God showed me an image. I was in the deep, black waters with Jesus in a boat. I saw an image of my family to come, and then a little farther off an image of my family with grandchildren and then farther off, with great grandchildren and even farther off, more generations which I will observe from heaven at those times. God by His Spirit implored me to look further ahead. I'm finally starting to look ahead, and to keep my eyes open in the present too.